I felt it coming…
I felt it coming…the overwhelming fatigue, wanting to hide away, craving coffee and junk food. I knew it was coming. Then it hit. Or I hit it. The wall of depression and anxiety. Sometimes its a big huge wall, and sometimes its a tiny wall I can jump over. This time it was a pretty big wall. I’m not surprised because I’ve been doing a lot of healing work on myself over the past few months. I’ve gotten in touch with my inner child, I’ve done guided visualizations exploring my past lives, I’ve meditated, saw a Shaman, cried a lot and even went to two sound healings (which by the way are majorly cool).
So you might be wondering if I’ve been doing all of this healing work, why did I hit the wall? What’s up with that? But this is what happens. For years..and I mean years…I stuffed it all down. I repressed memories, I denied emotions, I hid my true self and I put a mask on. That mask served a purpose. It kept me safe and allowed me to be whoever I wanted to be. For years that meant I was a fancy boss in corporate, I worked my way up the ladder with no education and was told repeatedly that I could never go higher but I proved them wrong over and over. I moved up higher, I took on bigger roles with more responsibility. Higher salaries and more hours. And I hid my anxiety and depression for the most part. There were nights when I couldn’t sleep, or weekends when all I did was cry, sleep and watch trash tv. But every Monday I got and showed up. I kept going. Then I hit the biggest wall ever.
For years my periods had been massively painful. It runs in my family; lucky us. I had endometriosis, fibroids and cysts that kept growing then would pop with pain that took me to my knees. I had my tubes tied but was on birth control to control my periods. I had also battled migraines for years and by this time had a headache every single day. After the migraines got worse I had to get off the bc and the pain was back full force. I made the difficult decision to get a full abdominal hysterectomy. I went into instant menopause which amplified my anxiety and depression like never before. I was a mess.
I have to wonder how much the stress of my job had to do with my health. How was it I had a headache every day that I worked? To this day I have no idea how I survived that for so many years. Talk about stuffing it down! I was depressed, anxious, had daily headaches, fatigue, insomnia and painful periods. But I put my mask on and kept going.
This was before I discovered alternative healing and sadly only got western medicine type help: doctors who gave me hormones, doctors who gave me anti depressants, and doctors who gave me sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds. I don’t regret any of it because I learned a lot about myself and I got through it. And I know there is a place for this medicine and I’m grateful it’s available.
But is my anxiety and depression all the way gone? No. But that’s ok. I’ve been off the meds for awhile. Now I know what to do when I hit the wall. I know which essential oils to use, I know I need to allow myself to just rest, breath and be, I know I need to call a healer, take my cbd oil, eat nourishing food, call a friend, journal, get a massage and lots and lots of hugs. I have the tools. Now I know when it’s coming so I can do my best to gently avert, or at the least lesson the blow. And it works. And it can work for you, too.
Anxiety and depression are real. It’s not in your head, you’re not crazy. I see you. I hear you. I am you.
I know the mask you wear. I know how hard it is. I know helpless and powerless it can feel. This is why I do what I do, because I’ve learned the tools and how and when to use them. I would love to share them with you if you feel called to reach out to me email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Don’t let the wall stop you. Climb over it. Go around it. Knock it down with a sledgehammer. You are worth it.
Love and hugs always