“What the hell, why am I so gross and fat?!”
“I’m such a disgusting slob. I’m never going to lose this weight”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Just stop stuffing your face, it’s not that hard. You’re just lazy”
This is what I used to say to myself when I looked in the mirror. Not just once in a awhile, but every single time. Every single time I looked in a mirror I talked sh%t to myself. And I was mean, really really mean. I said words I would never say to anyone else. I’m way too nice for that. And you know what happened? Instead of shaming myself into being thin, I got heavier. Even though I was restricting my food, barely eating 1200 hundred calories, I was GAINING WEIGHT. What the actual hell?
Nothing was working. They gym wasn’t working. Dieting wasn’t working. And I couldn’t actually stick to anything. I jumped from diet to diet. I would workout like a fiend and then stop. I felt defeated, I felt gross, I felt like a loser. Why was it so easy for other women to do this? There must be something wrong with me. So then I went to the doctor. I asked for all the tests. I was convinced that I must have a medical problem that was keeping the weight on. But guess what? I’m healthy, no issues at all. Well damn. Now I really felt like a loser because I couldn’t blame it on a medical issue (although the doctor was nice enough to tell me I was overweight, duh). I know that sounds weird but I remember actually hoping that’s what it was. I was so desperate for answers and help.
Then I was talking to a friend one day and she asked me “Why do you deserve this?” And I said “I don’t deserve this, why would you ask that!”. I was so mad at her. But I thought about it for days. I journaled about it. I meditated on it. And I really did NOT believe I deserved to be thin.
I felt I deserved to suffer.
THIS is why I talk sh%t to myself, this is why I self sabotage, this is why I can’t release the weight. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to feel good. And my body is suffering, hanging onto the weight to protect me from this big scary mean world. Well shit.
I realized all of the extra weight was EMOTIONAL WEIGHT. I was carrying all the pain, all the suffering, all the trauma – right there in my butt, my belly, my thighs and my arms.
I stopped dieting because I realized it wasn’t working. I started doing the inner healing work, that really hard deep dark work. I did Shadow Work. I received energy healing on myself (I was always giving to others but it was time to receive).
I started to speak kindly to myself instead of mean. I started using visualization to step into the real me that I knew was there. I started asking my body what she wanted, what food she wanted, how much rest she wanted, what kind of movement she wanted to do. And I listened to her.
But most of all I stopped judging myself and started being grateful for my body. I started appreciating the body I have today and stopped wishing for something different.
This was not an easy journey and I got lots of support along the way. I’m very lucky to have a beautiful community of women who love and support me because I needed to lean on them.
Today if I catch myself starting to talk sh%t to myself I turn it around. Instead of “look at those stretch marks” I say “wow, look at those beautiful lines that show I gave birth, thank you body for adapting” It feels so much better.
You can learn this too. You can learn to love and appreciate the body you are in TODAY.
Just for today, when you find yourself sh%t talking your body, turn it around into words of loving kindness. See how much better that feels! See how your body responds by relaxing. A tense and scared body will never release the weight.
To get support, please consider joining the Energy of Weight Group Program where you will learn to do all of this in a safe and nurturing community of like minded women. Women just like you who are battling with weight and self image. Women just like me.
Hope to see you there http://michellemcclintock.com/the-energy-of-weight/